Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
