Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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