Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
