Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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