I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
