I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
