I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
