so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
