I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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