Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize