I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
