I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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