Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Randomize
