if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
