Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
