I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Houston, we have a blender
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
