I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
