i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
