a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
