guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize