the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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