i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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