I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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