Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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