just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
