Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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