i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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