Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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