soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
