I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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