If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
