just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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