I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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