On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
