Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
