**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
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