I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
how does that bad decision feel?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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