Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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