So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
