OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you made out with another girl for some wings
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
