i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
