My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
