I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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