My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
