I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
