Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
