two words: eviction party
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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