There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
