So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
