his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
