my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
