Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
