let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need a hoe opinion
go on
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
