I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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