Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
splinters make it hard to masturbate
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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